*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
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You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Breaking news:
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”