I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
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What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early