Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
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Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
What even happened today?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.