My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.