*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
You Might Also Like
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.