me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
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KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.