[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
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Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.