Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
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can’t wait til they legalize outside
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I just ran a .003048K
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.