If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
You Might Also Like
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Breaking news:
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.