All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
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Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Never be a pizza!
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!