My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
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After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
set yourself free xox
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials