It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Seals are just dog mermaids.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw