Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
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The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know