tell em, edith-anne
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Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.