Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop