My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.