Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
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[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Worth the read.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Hmmmmm
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.