First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.