I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
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*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow