i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
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Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.