ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
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No-one: I can hear screaming
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.