Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
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im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
our love story in four pictures
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
rise and shine we got egg
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk