The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
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[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”