her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
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AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.