Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.