ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka