{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
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What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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