Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
You Might Also Like
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
“OMGJK” -atheists
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.