Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
You Might Also Like
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Meat Cute
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore