the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
You Might Also Like
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.