The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
You Might Also Like
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!