The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
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Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Dolls on drugs
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol