so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?