Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
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Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted