[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
You Might Also Like
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
United Steaks of America
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.