Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Coffee is ready.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito