You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
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a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9