Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
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I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.