Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
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After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts