The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
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If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
never compromise your values
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.