How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
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today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
One venti cheeseburger please.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.