2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
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I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion