[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
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the battle rages on
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
S O O N
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.