Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?