I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic