WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
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Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My love language is deader than Latin
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.