A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
knights of the ikea table
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
When your man makes a valid point
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream