Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
You Might Also Like
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
watergate? u mean a dam??
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness