Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
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You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
They grow up so quick
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.