Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
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I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
they really do be looking like this
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.